I'm dreaming of........

When I was a horse-mad child, all I ever wanted was a pony.  I put it on my Christmas list every year and even though I knew deep down there was no way on earth my parents would ever afford to buy and keep a pony, I woke on Christmas morning hoping that a miracle would occur and my dream pony would be waiting for me in our tiny garden.

This was a dream that was never fulfilled.  As my dear late mum would say, it wasn't meant to be.
(And in the words of Joni Mitchell, "You don't know what you've got til its gone." I would give anything to have both my parents back, so I treasure every memory I have of a happy childhood).

So I started writing about pony-mad girls just like me - and in my stories, their wishes came true.

When I was a teenager, all I ever wanted was to be a full time writer.  In my head, it would be a glamorous lifestyle and I would be incredibly successful and probably famous. 

Half of my dream has come true - I am a full time writer, after 40 years of dreaming. 

Be careful what you wish for........

Related posts:
http://janeayres.blogspot.co.uk/2014/07/different-chapter-same-book-power-of.html
http://janeayres.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/reflections-on-being-full-time-writer.html


I have also read a simply wonderful post by from Mariellen Ward on her blog Breathe, Dream, Go reflecting on dreams and ambitions.  Read it here: http://breathedreamgo.com/2014/12/stumbling-road-dreams/

We are stories: narrative and the grieving process

photo by Roger Hyland

I've just written a piece for the art ezine Creatabot which starts like this:

The concept of stories, storytelling and narrative fascinates me and is a constant source of discovery.  I’ve also explored the idea of writing as therapy for depression and grief.  In the search to understand my personal grieving process I have explored fiction and non-fiction, and recently read How we Grieve: Relearning the world by Thomas Attig (OUP, 1996) which suggests a way of thinking that I had not previously considered and which makes perfect sense – especially if you are a writer. In discussing how we relearn our relationships with the loved ones we have lost, the author suggests...(click on link to read post)

http://creatabot.co.uk/2013/09/28/we-are-stories-by-jane-ayres/

Related posts:
http://janeayres.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/grief-and-writing-routine.html
http://janeayres.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/write-what-haunts-you.html
http://janeayres.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/picking-flowers.html
http://janeayres.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/wise-words.html

Wise words

photo Roger Hyland

“In my view, time does not heal.  It's more that unhappy memories retreat and are submerged as life carries on.  They lose their intensity, like clothes that fade after much washing, but they never disappear, and can be triggered, re-surfacing again with surprising force - especially as we get older and perhaps spend more time reflecting on our lives. Even if we can develop a wiser perspective, that ball of sadness is still there.”

These wise words are from one of my dearest friends, Patrysha, who I have known since I was 18 years old. 

I heard an interview with Peter Andre after his brother died of kidney cancer at the end of 2012, in which he observed, “You don’t get over it, you just get on with it.”

In a recent conversation with a friend who also lost both her parents to cancer, she spoke of “carrying” the impact of this indefinitely.  It’s a good way to put it. 

A while back, I wrote a post called Writing What Haunts You.   

What haunts me is the way both my parents suffered before they died.  Doing all I could to help, support, care for them and fight for them. Ultimately feeling totally helpless.  This haunts me constantly.

But I have not found a way to write about it. 

I am currently reading a book called How We Grieve by Thomas Attig, after coming across the following quote:

"Grieving is a journey that teaches us how to love in a new way now that our loved one is no longer with us. Consciously remembering those who have died is the key that opens the hearts, that allows us to love them in new ways."  Thomas Attig, The Heart of Grief  http://www.griefspeaks.com/id112.html

Loss, grief and the heart are key themes in my most recent trilogy for teenagers, which began with  Always in my Heart (Stabenfeldt), continued with The Heartbreak Horse and concludes with The Forever Horse, which I was working on this morning.  So although I feel I have not yet unlocked my grief, perhaps I have been indirectly exploring it without even realising it.

Eventually, perhaps, I will find the key.  I am certain that it is through writing that I will do this.

“She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.” George Eliot

Related post: http://janeayres.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/write-what-haunts-you.html