Last week I’d written in my diary “Start sequel to Beware of
the Horse”. Instead, I wrote another
story. Something I’d intended to do for
ages, but kept putting off. The Sunday before last, I created a Just Giving page in memory of my parents to raise funds for Pancreatic
Cancer UK. It took all day and well into the evening and was emotionally draining.
Which I’d anticipated, and the reason I had put it off. Because to make it work,
you must, as the charity help sheet advises, tell your story.
That’s hard and painful.
And it’s not my story. I need to tell it properly and it's a huge responsibility. I want to honour my parents, but how would they feel about me doing this? And
when I think of the last few years of their story, it breaks my heart. So I try, for now, to block out the bits that
haunt me (and will forever). Real life is brutal and messy, tragic and
unpredictable. Recalling the detail can
be too harrowing to contemplate.
Memories remain to be both feared and cherished.
Deciding which photo to use on the Just Giving page was also
difficult. I have lots of family pics , so
I chose one of my favourites of a time before, when Mum and Dad were on holiday
together, and happy. One day, perhaps, I can add the photo taken on their 50th
Wedding Anniversary. It is especially poignant,
as it was so important to Mum that they made it that far together, and she
determined to stand up, with Dad’s support, to cut their celebration cake, the
wheelchair put out of sight (she was still recovering from her stroke then). At this time, Dad was being treated for a heart condition and prostate cancer, but the pancreatic cancer was not yet diagnosed.
Less than a year later, just 2 weeks before what would have
been their 51st anniversary, Dad had passed away, and less than 6 months
later, also suffering from pancreatic cancer, so had Mum.
Enough.
Here’s the link for the Just Giving page. https://www.justgiving.com/Jane-Seaman1
To everyone who has ever set up a Just Giving page in memory
of loved ones, I salute your courage.
